My truest of true loves turns 4 today. In years past, I recounted how fast time flew by and how wonderful it was to see her make the strides she has made. Every year, around her birthday, I look at old photos of her. Most of the times I browse my photo library, I also look back one, two, three years ago to the day and see what she looked like. Even when she was just a few months old, I could see how “grown up” she looked, especially while sleeping. We would see the “Future Twilli” when she was asleep. Now, when she sleeps, we see the “Baby Twilli.” When she is awake, she looks so small, but sprawled out and asleep on the bed, she looks so huge.

It’s very clear when we decided she would be referred to as “Twilli” online and Ariana in person, but it’s a little fuzzy as to when Twilli became her de facto name. While Ariana is a beautiful name, it’s a little strange to hear it and even stranger to call her Ariana. When I’m mad at her, I still call her Twilli. One of my co-workers sounded disappointed when I told him it doesn’t say “Twilli” on her birth certificate.

On her 4th birthday, I am going to do something a little different than what I have done in years past. This is my first letter to you.

Dear Twilli,

If you are reading this, you probably found your way here via Google. I hope I don’t embarrass you too much. After all, fathers of beautiful girls by default embarrass their daughters to no end. It is my sworn duty to embarrass you, scare off unworthy suitors, and keep you on a path that’s true and good. You might think I’m an old fuddy-duddy, and I’m OK with that. As a matter of fact, I am a bit of a fuddy-duddy. You won’t catch me being an absent father, off re-living my adolescence (or continuing to live it) like many men do. Just ask your mom about her dealings with PapaStan. I’m sure your friends will also agree that their fathers embarrass them too. See, now you have empirical evidence.

It was obvious from day one that you possess a strong will. I cannot change that, nor would I ever want to. That is what makes you Twilli. You do not always obey me, but I take comfort in knowing that when the situation calls for you to be steadfast, you can stick to your guns and not let anyone take advantage of you. I’d rather you have a little too much grrr than not enough. Your “double fire” disposition will serve you well in life if you channel it the right way. Remember to do right by you, me, your mom, and the world. There’s an old book that your grandma and PapaStan love very much. I don’t read it as much as they do, but there’s some good advice in there.

Love,

Dad

We all wonder what skills and traits you need to be a good parent. Who would’ve thought aeronautical engineering would make the list?

I bought a toy styrofoam airplane at Dollar Tree a few weeks ago. I took Twilli to the park and busted out the glider. She loved how I could throw it. She loved throwing it. She had a blast.

This past Thursday, I brought it out again. Twilli saw some young children close to her age playing across the street. She went over there to say hi. The other children really liked the glider too. They all took turns playing with it.

One of the children stepped on it and broke a piece of the wing off. His mother scolded him and offered to replace the toy. What a stand-up kind of mom! I declined the gesture. It was only a dollar. The lady insisted. Twilli promptly pocketed the money.

Later on that day, I examined the broken wing and determined that I could fix it easily. The pieces came back together very easily. I used a couple of staples and a few small pieces of tape. I don’t want to add more weight to a glider than necessary. I duplicated the repair efforts on the other wing to balance the weight out.

You know you’re being frugal when you decide to repair a toy you bought at Dollar Tree! I paid $1. The State of Tennessee got an additional 9.25% out of me. The debit card processing company got  a piece of that dollar too. The Chinese guy working in the factory (who also makes the “We Support Our Troops” stickers and ribbons) got a piece of it as well.

In the first photo, you can see I put some black tape on the nose of the airplane. Initial test flights showed that the center of gravity was too far back. It needed to move forward, so I added a screw to the nose and put black tape over it. It flies much better now.

Since this is Twilli’s airplane, I had to decorate it appropriately. As a young boy, I was obsessed with airplanes. I loved going to the airport. I loved flying. I loved playing with toy airplanes. I didn’t have to tell her any of this. She just knows that daddy would be tickled if she loved airplanes too.

The day after Christmas, we said goodbye to each other at the Greyhound station in downton Knoxville. That was 48 days ago. That was the day I became a non-resident father.

We all have our good days and our better days. One constant is that I miss my truest of true loves. I still cry every day because I miss her. I know she misses me too.

I wonder what kind of litmus test it is if you’re doing something you never thought you’d be doing. I never thought I’d be separated from my child and her mother. I always swore up and down I wouldn’t repeat the mistakes made by so many couples. I vowed to make it work. I thought I was better than everyone else and immune to the pitfalls faced by blended families.

I spent a lot of time and energy being angry at Renee and Austin. Anger is a very effective mask to wear when you don’t want to feel pain. Sometimes, when asked, “so how are things going?” it was my cue to launch into a vitriolic diatribe.

The relationship that Renee and I have is evolving. We will always be mommy and daddy to this beautiful little girl, but we are living separate lives. We recently had what amounts to the “seeing other people” talk.

Forging Ahead

I chose the name “21st Century Dad” for my blog because I wanted to embody what a father is in the 21st century. Fatherhood today is a new paradigm too. Fathers share more of the parenting duties. Fathers today are more involved in their children’s lives. Many fathers today don’t live with their children. I don’t know what the exact statistic is, but split custody, visitation, and child support are commonplace today. I’m still a 21st Century Dad.

How many blogs continue with their originally charted course? Obviously, my life hasn’t taken the course I had hoped for, but I’m not complaining. There are  opportunities at every potential turn in life. This relief from the day-to-day responsibilities as a resident father is affording me great opportunity.

As a small child, I loved taking things apart and putting them back together. It’s about time I did it with my life. Invariably, when I reassembled a toy, a few parts always remained, not having a clue where they came from. This time, I am stripping out as many unecessary items as possible, just like you’d do to a car you intend to use for racing.

The Sand Mandala

My thoughts return to the first time I learned what a Sand Mandala is. An intricate pattern of colored sand is laid down by Tibetan Buddhist monks over several weeks. Upon its completion, the Sand Mandala is ritualistically and methodically destroyed.

You don’t know what you need until you don’t have anything. I still have too much stuff. eBay and craigslist have been helpful here. Here I am, in the midst of dismantling the life I have built for the past 35 years.

This is just as much a spiritual journey as it is one of financial rehabilitation. Some of this consumerist detritus can be converted into cash. Video games, photography equipment, electronics, and supplies for projects conceived but never even started only weigh us down. One tenet of Buddhism is that our attachment to material things is the source of our suffering. Only when we release that need, do we find enlightenment.

Of course, when I first learned that about Buddhism, I thought, “no way I’m giving up my Commodore 64!”

Fighting the Clutter and Winning

Sentimentality conspires against us. It makes us hold on to things and squeezes us out of a harmonious relationship with our home. It is our experiences, thoughts, ideas, and feelings that make us who we are. Do we really need to validate those things by holding on to physical objects that only takes up space?

Ironically, I feed someone else’s urge to purchase things as I offload items through eBay and craigslist. I’m selling instant and temporary gratification to alleviate the ill effects of my own journey. The extra cash is nice. It’s the last gasp of usefulness I will get from these items. Their potential energy has been pent up, buried within clutter and disarray. This last release keeps the lights on at home another month. It buys a bus pass. It buys groceries.

You don’t know what you need until you don’t have it. The packrat defends his ways by recounting the few times he needed an item that was recently discarded. The only thing I ever needed by holding on to things was more storage space.

This isn’t loss or destruction. It’s liberation.

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Happy Birthday!

Our Little Girl Turns 1 today!

You’re my precious little angel. You are my truest of true loves. You’re only going to be a baby once, but you’ll always be my baby girl.

One full year has passed since the journey began. Whew! It really does go by in a flash. From her incredible birth story to where we are today, I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. The incredible speed with which time passes after the birth of a child is offset by those times when she is crying, screaming, and inconsolable. That’s when time stands still. I love everything about this little girl, even those times when she is crying, screaming, and inconsolable.

Part of the festivities include a portrait of her in a traditional Korean hanbok. The dress she is wearing in the photo is one that is worn on a girl’s first birthday. You can see more photos of Twilli in my Flickr photostream.

A New Father and a New Man

I often say that I was born on August 7th, 2007 too. The birth of your first child changes you forever. My daughter’s role as my spiritual advisor continues to expand. No matter what happened in my past or what the crisis du jour is, my daughter is there for me as a reminder of how precious life is. She is the reason I want to be the best dad and the best person I can be.

Others Who Share a Birthday With Twilli

As a die-hard hockey fan, I’m pleased to know Sidney Crosby shares a birthday with my little one. He was born on 8/7/87, hence, he wears jersey number 87. Today is a significant milestone birthday for Mr. Crosby too. Twilli will enjoy some juice in a sippy cup. Sid the Kid barely missed drinking form Lord Stanley’s Cup this past spring. Today, he is raising a pint or two, or three or four or five…

Twilli has an affinity for metal objects. They hold her attention and sometimes find their way into her mouth. She likes metal. Bruce Dickinson, lead singer of Iron Maiden, also celebrates today. His impressive vocal range earned him the nickname “Air Raid Siren.” We get to hear our little air raid siren when daddy extracts inedible objects from her mouth or when the magic boobies are not there when she wants them.

Ernesto Brown, a reader in Miami, has a daughter who shares a birthday with our Twilli. Happy birthday to you too.

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