Renee posted about Twilli reaching the 9 month mark today. We acknowledge this milestone on the 7th of each month.

Every expectant couple hears, “it goes by so fast.” Sometimes it’s followed by, “take lots of pictures.”

To commemorate the milestone, I used to set up the whole Strobist rig and dress her in a nice outfit. I haven’t done that this month… or last month. The number of photos I take of Twilli is on a downward trend. Maybe I just get a higher percentage of “keepers.”

Our video coverage has been spotty. It will have to step up soon. Twilli is quickly approaching the day she will take her first real steps. Just like we were ready with the “baby bag” during the last month of pregnancy, we must keep a video camera in a high state of readiness.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve neglected my family duty by not taking more photos. I have more digital imaging horsepower at my disposal than most of my peers. Now I realize I’d rather have a few great photos of my children than a bunch of mediocre ones.

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Every expectant father is told that it’s a profound, life-changing experience. I thought, “well, duh! Isn’t it obvious?” No matter how much you know and how forthcoming all your male friends are, there are still surprises. You can read The Expectant Father, scour the internet, and talk to every man you know with a child. Fatherhood is definitely one of those things you learn on the job.

Everyone knows you change. Some of those changes happen right away, as if switch was flipped. Other changes take longer.

Some changes happen immediately. This is the revolution.

• You pay closer attention while driving. South Florida drivers are among the worst in the US!
• Your routine is shattered. Everything you’re used to doing is suddenly different.
• You feel this incredible rush of unconditional love for your child.

Other changes come gradually. This is evolution.

• I’m becoming much more interested in health and wellness.
• Making healthier choices when eating is much more important.
• I’ve lost interest in caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol.
• Anything risky (financial, personal, physical) is evaluated more carefully before engaging in it.
• I’ve always had a passing interest in ecologically sound practices. That level of interest has increased.

There is an overall shift in your thinking, your attitude toward life, toward people, and toward the world. There are some choices that I never thought I would make:

• We followed our friend Caroline’s advice to use a midwife. I always imagined a hospital birth. I’m so glad we chose natural childbirth instead. If you are expecting, I urge you to consider using a midwife.
• Renee and I weren’t even aware of infant potty training until she stumbled across the concept after Twilli was born. Now we are semi-successful practitioners. We’re using about half as many diapers now.
• Renee remembers when her brother was in cloth diapers. Those memories aren’t pleasant. Now that we are doing infant potty training (or elimination communication), it’s apparent why cloth diapers and IPT/EC go hand-in-hand.

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Yesterday was the Au-Teen’s birthday. I can’t believe he’s 14! He’s been part of my life for over two years already. We got along great from the very beginning, but we’re still forging our relationship, getting to know each other, and growing closer.

He was living with his grandparents when I first met Renee, so there was an opportunity for us to behave like a childless couple for a little while. When Renee and I first realized we were in it for the long haul, I encouraged her to tell me as much as possible about him.

One day, Renee shared some key facts about Au-Teen. My response was, “I’ve known this kid all my life!” That’s when my doubts were cast aside. I knew this blended family thing could work.

Somehow I knew it was important to learn as much as I could. Being a step-parent has a new layer of difficulty. It’s like getting a new video game, chucking the manual aside, skipping the training mode or tutorials, and jumping in at the medium or difficult level.

I didn’t want to be the stereotypical stepfather. I spent a lifetime bucking stereotypes. Why stop here? When the plans were finalized to become a blended family, I was ecstatic. I knew I had to step up my own level of accountability. I would face the challenge of becoming a better man every day.

Renee and I spent almost a year together as a childless couple. We enjoyed the time immensely. At the end of May 2006, it was like she gave birth to a fully-grown 12 year old boy!

Most 12 year old boys have 4 years of life experience repeated 3 times. He is going to leave tasks half-completed or totally neglected. That’s what they do. He’s going to prefer video games and comic books to something an adult would consider more intellectually nourishing.

It wasn’t smooth sailing like I had hoped. The difficulties I have with Au-Teen aren’t unique to a stepchild. He’s a very normal and very healthy teenager. The almighty “T” is running through his veins. Playing the XBox ranks a little higher on his list than scooping the litter box.

We’ve both made conscious and unconscious efforts toward bonding with each other. I played the original Mortal Kombat before he was even born. Now he and I enjoy some virtual sparring. I did it when I was younger, and now I’m introducing it to him. He’s not much of a sports fan, but he does like hockey now. He couldn’t tell you too any player’s names except Olli Jokinen, but he never turns down an invitation to a Panthers game. He thought it was a big deal when I let him wear my jersey. Au-Teen has picked up the guitar and he’s progressing nicely. I want to believe that I had something to do with sparking his interest in it.

Renee is a full-blown advocate of attachment parenting. It places a lot of demands on her. Naturally, I end up taking care of many of Au-Teen’s needs. I drive him to karate class and Civil Air Patrol meetings. He gets free guitar lessons from me. Our music tastes cross over much more than it does with Renee’s. I remain the lone country fan in the house… I still have Twilli, heheheheh.

I’m playing catch-up. Renee had a 12 year head start on me. I’ve never questioned my decision to be in this relationship. Maybe that’s why it’s so infuriating when Au-Teen does something boneheaded. I’m stuck with the kid. I’m glad that I am. He’s not perfect, and neither am I. We’re getting along just fine, just like a father and his son.

Growing up in South Florida, I had very little contact with other Asians. Being picked on for being Asian wasn’t exactly positive reinforcement. I ended up “whitewashed” as a result. I’ve encountered many people who didn’t know what to think because I didn’t fit some stereotype. The defenestration of preconceived notions happened regularly.

I’ve always been attracted to caucasian women. I never thought it was weird. It was just a matter of time before I ended up with a biracial child.

Knowing the probabilities, I still never gave much thought to the issues that interracial couples and their children face until now. After some research, I unearthed something shocking. Rob Schneider is part Filipino!

Yes, that is shocking, considering the criticism he’s received for negative portrayals of Asians and Pacific Islanders. But the real eye-opener for me was the story of Hines Ward and others like him.

I am not a fan of American football, so I knew nothing of Hines Ward. Despite this, I can assure you that my testosterone levels are high enough. For those of you who are in the same camp as I am, Hines Ward is a wide receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers, and currently one of the league’s best at that position.

Hines Ward was born to a Korean mother and an African American father in Seoul, South Korea. The family left Korea due to the prejudice and discrimination endured by people of mixed ethnicity. Ward would not escape discrimination in America either.

One Superbowl title and MVP award later, Ward and his mother made a triumphant return to his homeland. Once shunned, they were given the red carpet treatment wherever they went. Throughout his visit, he arranged “hope sharing” meetings with multiracial Korean children and championed social change. He created the Hines Ward Helping Hands Foundation to help mixed-race children like himself.

The discrimination faced by hapas was a shock to me. I don’t have regular contact with other Koreans, so I wasn’t aware of this attitude. I socialize with an eclectic crowd that embraces diversity. The unconditional love I feel for my daughter and the warm reception she has received by all who have met her is such a stark contrast to the way hapas are treated in Korea.

I was taunted and teased throughout elementary school, but it was mild compared to what Hines Ward endured. Perhaps being “whitewashed” almost makes me a hapa by proxy. Through the Hines Ward Helping Hands Foundation (where is your website, dude?!?!), Pearl S. Buck International, and our own individual efforts, I have hope that Twilli will only have anecdotal knowledge of racial intolerance.

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During your wife’s pregnancy, you interrogated all of your male friends who have kids. You may have read The Expectant Father, and you pretended to read What to Expect When You’re Expecting. (It’s an excellent reference but a pedantic snoozer if you try to read it in a linear fashion). You were prepared for sleep deprivation. You knew about lanugo and the black/green tar-like substance in your baby’s first few dirty diapers. You packed way too much stuff when it was time to go to the hospital or birth center.

I prepared as best as I could for the arrival of my first child. But there were still a few surprises that my wife, no books, and no website ever addressed:

1. Babies fart and they don’t care when or where. It’s a surprise to me that it’s a surprise. They do have all the same parts as fully grown humans, so this shouldn’t be a surprise. The first time I heard Twilli (her current nickname) fart, it caught me off guard. Most adults would turn red with embarrassment if they let one rip in some of the situations she did.
2. Diapers don’t smell nearly as bad as you think. You may have caught a whiff of another child’s diapers and thought “oh man! No way am I going to have a kid!” However, your own baby’s bodily functions just aren’t nearly as offensive. It never even became an issue; a parent must do it or else. Likewise, other bodily fluids and secretions don’t gross me out. Boogers, spit-up, drool, and diaper leaks are just dealt with as readily as you and I would deal with a sneeze.
3. I’m much more in tune with my emotions and moved to tears more easily. My wife pointed out that you could see the beginnings of teeth erupting in Twilli’s mouth. I jumped up immediately to investigate. When I first saw the little dents in her gums, a joyful eruption of tears followed immediately. This past Saturday was the first time I heard my friend Steve play his saxophone since his wife lost her battle with cancer 6 months ago. The very first note he played brought on the tears.
4. It’s not as difficult as I thought it would be. The first few weeks, our universe shrank to the size of a football. We prepared as best we could. We enlisted a large cheering section. I have a loving and supportive partner with previous experience.
5. I drive less aggressively even when the baby’s not in the car. It makes sense that you would be more cautious when your are transporting a baby. I guess it’s just switches on and stays on.
6. It takes significantly more time to get out the door. I knew about the half metric ton of stuff necessary to venture outside your home with a baby. My “baby radar” was warming up during pregnancy, so I noticed the roadies following the rock stars wherever we went. In the past, I was always punctual and usually early. If we have to be on time (like a doctor’s appointment), we cancel all of our other appointments plan accordingly.