The usual response was a look of indifference. This is the default smokescreen for adolescent insecurities. What he doesn’t understand is, I’m not here to exploit the insecurities for a cheap ego boost. My goal is to help him overcome them. He doesn’t always like my methods. Depending on the circumstances, I have R. Lee Ermey, Wayne Dyer, Mr. Miyagi, or any combination of the 3 rain down on his ass.

Learning how to read the route map and timetables would address some developmental needs. An understanding of time is one of those needs. I thought I had the perfect package to wrap this lesson in.

The Promise of Autonomy Didn’t Close The Sale?

Adolescence is a time to assert autonomy. I told Au-Teen that riding the bus would empower him. I also reminded him that using public transit is good training for life Europe and Japan. He was quiet at first, then he dismissed the notion with an admission of a deficiency in handling time-sensitive activities. The discussion reverted to subject matter requiring fewer brain cells.

Pushing The Right Buttons

Renee recently heard on the news that oil companies are making record profits. She used this little nugget to egg on our resident conspiracy theorist and anti-establishment advocate.

Renee told him, “you’re $#*@ing the oil companies by doing this.” and that got him interested right away. Further, she also suggested that this empowers him to see his friend T more often. He perked up some more.

Sticking It To The Oil Companies

This past weekend, I accompanied him on the bus to rendezvous with T. I was thrilled to go along. This was such a turnaround from the previous week’s edict of, “I hate the bus! I’m never taking the bus again!”

The difficulty level of this excursion required adult supervision and assistance. The previous weekend, we tried a simple one-bus trip. I would accompany him on the way there, but he would ride back solo. Unfortunately, the return trip required a search and rescue effort after he failed to catch the bus twice. The fool also wore all black on a scorching hot day. I guess forging one’s identity trumps comfort in the South Florida heat.

We caught the bus to Young Circle in Hollywood where we’d catch a connecting bus to the rendezvous point. We had about 20 minutes before our connecting bus would arrive. We used the time to explore The Arts Park before catching the connecting bus to Aventura Mall.

Aventura Mall is a connecting point for Miami-Dade Transit and Broward County Transit. This made it the ideal location to meet. The real reason is, we had about 30 minutes to kill and there’s an Apple Store. They pump some crazy gas into the store that makes you buy stuff. Having a baby is the antidote for it.

The boys see each other from across the room. The music starts…

Reunited and it feels so good
Reunited ’cause we understood
There’s one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited
‘Cause we’re reunited

-Dino Fekaris and Freddie Perren

The return trip went smoothly. T has logged several hours in the Miami-Dade transit system, but Au-Teen is still very green. I will have to take a few more trips with him before I can let him go solo. He’s not the kind of guy you can just toss into the deep end of the pool.

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Au-Teen does this all the time. As he’s walking out the door to go hang out with friends, he announces his intention in that sing-songy tone, “I’m going to hang out with Joel for a while.”

In our average sized home, he’s somewhat audible when he does this, but it’s a BAD habit. This isn’t communication. This is a teenage boy flapping his mouth under the assumption he’s been heard.

It almost bit him in the ass this past weekend. He went to the park with his friend Gabe. He announced this as he was walking out the door. I held him up.

“I was talking to mom.”

“No you weren’t. She’s not here. You need to address us face-to-face and get acknowledgment that your message was received. I’ll have none of this talking as you walk out the door crap please. See you later.”

I was more diplomatic in my guest post. We ran out of sugar, so you’re taking this one straight. I absolutely HATE IT when people try to have a conversation through walls and around corners. It’s one of the most annoying things Au-Teen does. Maybe it’s that sing-songy tone. Maybe he tries to weasel his way out of accountability when he’s called out for poor communication.

It’s often said, “pick your battles.” I’ll let him throw his dirty socks on the floor in his bedroom, but this one deserves a parental counter-attack of significant magnitude.

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Au-Teen has been chomping at the bit to get a job. To a teenager, money = freedom. However, we’re not going to allow him to get a job while his grades languish in sub-mediocrity. Indignation is the ineffective weapon he has chosen to fight this. He’s getting totally creamed in this battle and he doesn’t like it.

His long-held belief that any idiot can get a job bagging groceries is being challenged by two people who supposedly know nothing about life as a teenager. If any idiot can get that job, why should he have to earn better grades in school?

As responsible parents, we cannot allow it. No reasonable adult, with or without children, will refute our stance. Why are we at an impasse? We’re not dealing with a reasonable adult here.

Renee and I backed off just a little to gain some ground. In lieu of tutoring or getting extra help at school, he angrily answered the challenge of improving his grades through independent study.

We usually see reruns of Au-Teen’s histrionics. Today, we saw a new episode. He stormed up to his room and proclaimed, “Alright! You win! I’m a nerd now!”

It’s always exhausting when dealing with teenage melodrama. This time, I couldn’t help but laugh.

He was living with his grandparents when I first met Renee, so there was an opportunity for us to behave like a childless couple for a little while. When Renee and I first realized we were in it for the long haul, I encouraged her to tell me as much as possible about him.

One day, Renee shared some key facts about Au-Teen. My response was, “I’ve known this kid all my life!” That’s when my doubts were cast aside. I knew this blended family thing could work.

Somehow I knew it was important to learn as much as I could. Being a step-parent has a new layer of difficulty. It’s like getting a new video game, chucking the manual aside, skipping the training mode or tutorials, and jumping in at the medium or difficult level.

I didn’t want to be the stereotypical stepfather. I spent a lifetime bucking stereotypes. Why stop here? When the plans were finalized to become a blended family, I was ecstatic. I knew I had to step up my own level of accountability. I would face the challenge of becoming a better man every day.

Renee and I spent almost a year together as a childless couple. We enjoyed the time immensely. At the end of May 2006, it was like she gave birth to a fully-grown 12 year old boy!

Most 12 year old boys have 4 years of life experience repeated 3 times. He is going to leave tasks half-completed or totally neglected. That’s what they do. He’s going to prefer video games and comic books to something an adult would consider more intellectually nourishing.

It wasn’t smooth sailing like I had hoped. The difficulties I have with Au-Teen aren’t unique to a stepchild. He’s a very normal and very healthy teenager. The almighty “T” is running through his veins. Playing the XBox ranks a little higher on his list than scooping the litter box.

We’ve both made conscious and unconscious efforts toward bonding with each other. I played the original Mortal Kombat before he was even born. Now he and I enjoy some virtual sparring. I did it when I was younger, and now I’m introducing it to him. He’s not much of a sports fan, but he does like hockey now. He couldn’t tell you too any player’s names except Olli Jokinen, but he never turns down an invitation to a Panthers game. He thought it was a big deal when I let him wear my jersey. Au-Teen has picked up the guitar and he’s progressing nicely. I want to believe that I had something to do with sparking his interest in it.

Renee is a full-blown advocate of attachment parenting. It places a lot of demands on her. Naturally, I end up taking care of many of Au-Teen’s needs. I drive him to karate class and Civil Air Patrol meetings. He gets free guitar lessons from me. Our music tastes cross over much more than it does with Renee’s. I remain the lone country fan in the house… I still have Twilli, heheheheh.

I’m playing catch-up. Renee had a 12 year head start on me. I’ve never questioned my decision to be in this relationship. Maybe that’s why it’s so infuriating when Au-Teen does something boneheaded. I’m stuck with the kid. I’m glad that I am. He’s not perfect, and neither am I. We’re getting along just fine, just like a father and his son.

Nutrition is on every parent’s radar. Some are better at it than others. I’ve learned over the years what makes for healthy eating habits, so imagine how appalled I was at Austin’s eating habits, which are, for lack of a better term, &*@#$! horrendous. Unfortunately, this knowledge doesn’t seem to do me much good since I encounter steadfast opposition to my efforts to reform this family’s eating habits.

When I met Renee, her eating habits weren’t the best. They weren’t the worst either. To her credit, she eats her food deliberately, takes her time to chew it thoroughly, and doesn’t overindulge with huge portions. She is usually willing to try my creations, as long as it doesn’t have shrimp. Single mothers have it tough, and one of the things that slipped through the cracks was nutrition. As a result, Austin didn’t develop sound eating habits.

The last thing any parent wants to see is their children suffer. It’s especially maddening when it’s the child’s own poor nutrition habits that cause this suffering. Then your efforts to help are met with resistance.

• He usually struggles with the first class in the morning and the one right before lunch.
• He has trouble concentrating and focusing.
• He has trouble waking up in the morning.
• His stomach is easily upset.

All of the above can be mitigated or even eliminated by making smarter food choices. But like most teenage boys, making his choices is far more important to him than making smart choices.

I was at the classic car show last week when it hit me. I’m the kind of guy who only cares about basic maintenance of a reliable automobile. This is in stark contrast to the level of care these car aficionados put into their vehicles. A car is a necessity, at least in the suburbs. Food is a necessity. I happen to care more about the food I eat. I love variety and I love knowing that what I eat is good for me. Austin only cares about getting from point A to point B, and there’s only a handful of ways he’s willing to do it. I prefer a Lexus and Austin is content with a ratty old clunker that belches smoke and leaks fluids.

A popular piece of advice for parents is to “pick your battles.” Rest assured I have a wide selection to choose from. Will the dinner table be another battlefront? This is my dilemma. His diet is less than optimal. I’ve warned him. He’s chosen to ignore my suggestions. Am I being a bad parent by letting this one slide? When I prepare something healthy, he isn’t hungry. When I stock up on pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets and Capn’ Crunch, his appetite returns. Isn’t it worse to let him starve? Weigh in on this one by leaving a comment.

To his credit, he tries a good amount of what I present to him, but like most teens, he will always choose the path of least resistance for short term gratification. Now that I started adding pureed vegetables wherever I can, he’s eaten more broccoli in one week than he has in almost 14 years. Heheheheheh.

I normally supply my own photographs to illustrate my articles. This one was too cool to pass up. The photo of Randy’s Donuts is by Carol Highsmith, and used here under a Creative Commons license.

21st Century Parenting is my wife’s blog. There is some topic overlap, but with more of a natural childbirth, attachment parenting, and baby wearing bias to it.

As a longtime member of Toastmasters, I’m a firm believer in developing your communication skills. That importance is highlighted when you have a teenager in the house. Teenage boys place higher priorities on other things. Communication skills just aren’t on their radar. You can prevent them from taking poor communication skills into adulthood by starting now.

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