I never heard a more beautiful sound than her first cries as she made her explosive entry into the world. She was so tiny, delicate, and precious. I could be happy freezing any given moment and having her stay that way forever, yet I daydream about what she’d be like as a 2 year old, 5 year old, pre-teen, teenager, and a young woman. Time would stand still, especially when she was throwing one of her epic tantrums. Then we’d reach a milestone and realize how fast it all seemed to have gone by.

The first year was marked by dramatic physical changes. She grew to 3 times her birth weight. All that thick dark hair fell out and was slowly replaced by her current golden-brown locks. She cut her first teeth. She was one super-duper chubby-wubby obviously-breast-fed baby for a while. She started crawling, then cruising, then she took her tentative first steps without help from mommy or daddy.

Between ages 1 and 2, it gets really interesting. She is growing cognitively. The rate of physical growth slows, but continues. She looks so tiny and so huge all at the same time. Twilli started to talk. She could say a few words. You could clearly ascertain from the context that she knew what she was talking about vs. mimicking what she hears.

“Pretty!”

“More? More?”

“No.”

“Nurse! NURSE! NURSE!”

“Ooh, what’s this?”

“Daddy!”

“Mommy!”

Our relationship has moved into a new phase. We are communicating verbally. Lengthier conversational volleys are on the horizon.

As much as there is to teach, I have learned so much. I have opened my eyes to my own Korean heritage. I continue to eat garlic and insanely spicy food in large quantities. Twilli also enjoys some pretty spicy food for a toddler. There are many more lessons in store for me.

Last week, Joey from Daddybrain kicked off the series with Million Dollar Man v.1.2 – Tuning Up Your Emotions.

In this week’s post, I share my experience as a member of Toastmasters.

Read it here.

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Before fatherhood, I used to look at my friend Dan and think, “oh cool. He only has to see his daughter every other weekend and on Wednesday nights.” After fatherhood, I think, “He only gets to see his daughter…”

Whatever the real numbers are, we see more single parents today. In such arrangements, the father’s role runs the gamut from total deadbeat to being as involved as possible.

Fatherhood is being redefined. Men are balancing traditional expectations and taking a more active role in parenting. This is true, even with non-resident fathers. These men have to make the most of their every-other-weekend and one night a week arrangement.

As a resident father, I enjoy the constant presence of my children, annoying teenage habits nonwithstanding. This affords me quantity and quality, but what about non-resident fathers? They too can offer the same, and some additional benefits.

According to Garret D. Evans and Kate Fogarty, non-resident fathers who are involved in their children’s lives still have a positive impact. These children:

• tend to get higher grades than those without involved fathers.
• seem to have better social skills. They can make friends more easily and handle difficult social situations better.
• tend to have fewer behavioral problems. In fact, even when not living with their children and their children’s mother, fathers who were actively involved with their children kept them from getting involved in problem behaviors as teens
• have fewer mental health problems as adults (especially true for daughters).

Fathers today recognize the benefits to their children and to themselves. This is still true for the non-resident father. He may even be more acutely aware of it due to the limited time he has with his children. He needs to make the most of every other weekend and one night a week.

Further Reading:

Dads, Be a Hero

Father Involvement After Divorce

Co-Parenting and Father Involvement

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Congratuations to the Detroit Red Wings – 2008 Stanley Cup Champions

2 grueling months of playoff hockey concluded last night with a thrilling 3-2 victory over the Pittsburgh Penguins. I haven’t been watching the games, but when Lord Stanley’s Cup is in the building, I am parked in front of the TV.

I have always watched in awe as these superb athletes fought the fight of their lives. These guys play an extremely physical sport while nursing injuries that have left me bed-ridden for days. Every year, I think of the adversities I have faced, and watching hockey inspires me to power through them, regardless of how beaten down I feel.

I am not Dr. Wayne Dollar Dyer or Deep-pocket Deepak Chopra, but today’s post is about personal development and triumph over adversity. As a long-time hockey fan, I have learned much about life by following this sport. As a parent, these lessons have taken on new meanings.

Finding The Strength Within

In the quest for the Cup, players and staff make many great sacrifices. Over 4 playoff rounds, the eventual champions can play as many as 28 games every other night for 2 months. With each series going a potential 7 games, that’s a grueling travel schedule. As a parent, the time away from family is the sacrifice that resonates with me the most.

In all sports, and especially hockey, players play through pain. Injuries that may have sidelined them during the regular season are dismissed as inconveniences during the playoffs. Bruises, cuts, sprains, and even broken bones are ignored on the quest for the Cup.

• Penguins forward Ryan Malone suffered a broken nose earlier in the playoffs. In game 5, his nose was broken again. Instead of sitting out the rest of the game, he continued to play.
• Sidney Crosby played the series with injuries to his ribs and groin.
• In game 5, Defenseman Sergei Gonchar slammed head first into the end boards and back spasms resulted. He sat out for most of the game, only to return in the last minute to assist on the tying goal, sending the game into overtime.
• Detroit forward Dan Cleary took a skate to the mouth. He was bleeding profusely, but got back up and finished his shift.
• In 1999, Dallas Stars captain Mike Modano played with a broken wrist
• In 1964, Toronto Maple Leafs forward Bobby Baun suffered a broken ankle. He later returned to score the winning goal in overtime.

As parents, we are on call 24/7. This is especially true when you have a newborn. Even as our children get older, we aren’t given any relief. Whether you’re exhausted or just don’t feel like it, you must find the strength within to provide for your child. When the family needs you, there is no room for absenteeism.

Believe In Youth

From an early age, hockey experts predicted that Sidney Crosby would be the next superstar. The experts were right. He’s not even old enough to buy a beer, yet he is already one of the elite players in the league, if not the best player. In the future, his name will be mentioned in debates about who is the best player of all time.

Experts aren’t always right, and they are most often wrong. Players deemed to have the best potential are drafted early, but many do not even skate in one single NHL game. Other players are taken in later rounds, but develop into superstars. The RedWings roster is full of players who weren’t viewed as potential superstars, but became integral parts of all 4 championship teams.

My stepson has his shortcomings, and at times, they are maddening. However, he is a valued member of the household team, and he had made so many strides toward maturity and adulthood. I’m not just talking about hair in places he never had it. He’s only 14, and we often forget that at 14, he doesn’t have the same wisdom that us adults do, no matter how much he tries to tell us otherwise.

Based on Au-Teen’s grades, you might think he wouldn’t amount to much. However, you spend some time getting to know him and you’ll find an extremely intelligent young man with keen insights beyond his years. If future leaders and high performers were being selected right now from the ranks of teenagers, he will most likely be passed over based on academics. I have faith that he will overcome any deficiencies, and become an exceptional adult.

The Long and Winding Road to Success

Mike Illitch, owner of the Detroit Red Wings did not realize success overnight, nor did it take the path he originally envisioned. A knee injury ended his baseball career, so he went into the pizza business. He opened Little Ceasar’s Pizza in Garden City, Michigan in 1959. In 1982, he purchased the Detroit Red Wings. 15 years later, the Red Wings won the first of 4 Stanley Cups.

Illitch didn’t go to college, and I didn’t finish. I strayed from the path that was prescribed for me. Just because I strayed from that path doesn’t mean I haven’t been successful. Opportunities I envisioned didn’t materialize, but opportunities I didn’t envision came to fruition. Parenting is also a journey that takes unexpected turns. The hope you must maintain is that you will have raised your children well.

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The usual response was a look of indifference. This is the default smokescreen for adolescent insecurities. What he doesn’t understand is, I’m not here to exploit the insecurities for a cheap ego boost. My goal is to help him overcome them. He doesn’t always like my methods. Depending on the circumstances, I have R. Lee Ermey, Wayne Dyer, Mr. Miyagi, or any combination of the 3 rain down on his ass.

Learning how to read the route map and timetables would address some developmental needs. An understanding of time is one of those needs. I thought I had the perfect package to wrap this lesson in.

The Promise of Autonomy Didn’t Close The Sale?

Adolescence is a time to assert autonomy. I told Au-Teen that riding the bus would empower him. I also reminded him that using public transit is good training for life Europe and Japan. He was quiet at first, then he dismissed the notion with an admission of a deficiency in handling time-sensitive activities. The discussion reverted to subject matter requiring fewer brain cells.

Pushing The Right Buttons

Renee recently heard on the news that oil companies are making record profits. She used this little nugget to egg on our resident conspiracy theorist and anti-establishment advocate.

Renee told him, “you’re $#*@ing the oil companies by doing this.” and that got him interested right away. Further, she also suggested that this empowers him to see his friend T more often. He perked up some more.

Sticking It To The Oil Companies

This past weekend, I accompanied him on the bus to rendezvous with T. I was thrilled to go along. This was such a turnaround from the previous week’s edict of, “I hate the bus! I’m never taking the bus again!”

The difficulty level of this excursion required adult supervision and assistance. The previous weekend, we tried a simple one-bus trip. I would accompany him on the way there, but he would ride back solo. Unfortunately, the return trip required a search and rescue effort after he failed to catch the bus twice. The fool also wore all black on a scorching hot day. I guess forging one’s identity trumps comfort in the South Florida heat.

We caught the bus to Young Circle in Hollywood where we’d catch a connecting bus to the rendezvous point. We had about 20 minutes before our connecting bus would arrive. We used the time to explore The Arts Park before catching the connecting bus to Aventura Mall.

Aventura Mall is a connecting point for Miami-Dade Transit and Broward County Transit. This made it the ideal location to meet. The real reason is, we had about 30 minutes to kill and there’s an Apple Store. They pump some crazy gas into the store that makes you buy stuff. Having a baby is the antidote for it.

The boys see each other from across the room. The music starts…

Reunited and it feels so good
Reunited ’cause we understood
There’s one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited
‘Cause we’re reunited

-Dino Fekaris and Freddie Perren

The return trip went smoothly. T has logged several hours in the Miami-Dade transit system, but Au-Teen is still very green. I will have to take a few more trips with him before I can let him go solo. He’s not the kind of guy you can just toss into the deep end of the pool.

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Twilli is incredibly fun to be around right now. As she approaches the 9 month mark, her awakening to the world around her continues at an alarming rate. She is recognizing more within her surroundings. She is using her newfound, albeit limited, mobility at every chance she gets.

I learned a lot just by indulging a little in her. It felt great to spend an extended period of time with my daughter. I have to work a little harder today, but it was worth it.

Regardless of your schedule, make the time to be with your baby. I tell people all the time, “she’ll only be a baby once.”

The quality time I spend with Twilli is a spiritual and emotional boost. How many of you remember the old computer game F15 Strike Eagle? There was a glitch in the game that allowed you to continue flying even though you’ve run out of fuel. Pressing any of the number keys 1-9 and the “A” key (for afterburner) made the engines fire a short puff of propulsion. The smile, a moment of discovery, a squeal of delight as I make a goofy face, or a funny moment is like those little puffs of propulsion that I need just when I think I’m totally out of gas.

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Au-Teen does this all the time. As he’s walking out the door to go hang out with friends, he announces his intention in that sing-songy tone, “I’m going to hang out with Joel for a while.”

In our average sized home, he’s somewhat audible when he does this, but it’s a BAD habit. This isn’t communication. This is a teenage boy flapping his mouth under the assumption he’s been heard.

It almost bit him in the ass this past weekend. He went to the park with his friend Gabe. He announced this as he was walking out the door. I held him up.

“I was talking to mom.”

“No you weren’t. She’s not here. You need to address us face-to-face and get acknowledgment that your message was received. I’ll have none of this talking as you walk out the door crap please. See you later.”

I was more diplomatic in my guest post. We ran out of sugar, so you’re taking this one straight. I absolutely HATE IT when people try to have a conversation through walls and around corners. It’s one of the most annoying things Au-Teen does. Maybe it’s that sing-songy tone. Maybe he tries to weasel his way out of accountability when he’s called out for poor communication.

It’s often said, “pick your battles.” I’ll let him throw his dirty socks on the floor in his bedroom, but this one deserves a parental counter-attack of significant magnitude.

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Observing the milestones is one of the joys of fatherhood. On an objective level, you’re sticking a rubber-coated spoon filled with bland cereal in a child’s mouth. That doesn’t sound too exciting now, does it?

Letting Twilli try solid food for the first time was my big thrill for the day. She had been watching us intently at mealtime for the past month. We took it as a signal that she was ready to transition to solids.

Imagine my delight when Twilli grabbed the spoon and shoved it in her mouth! Okay, fine, many of baby’s actions aren’t 100% intentional. She dropped an f-bomb a couple months ago. (I swear that’s what it sounded like.) We made 1’s and 0’s out of the event (the feeding, not the f-bomb). I did so with my Nikon D80 and Renee captured video on the LX1.

Baby Milestones

The most important thing to keep in mind here is that it’s not a contest. These are just generally accepted guidelines based on years of observations. Each child is different. Your child isn’t developmentally challenged or behind just because the book written by the experts says she ought to be doing something. Your baby may be doing some or all of these things by the 6th month:

• Rolling over – she’s not really interested in doing this autonomously.
• Recognizes people – at least her immediate family.
• Passes items from one hand to the other – she’s a little early with this one.
• Sits up – with a little bit of help. Watching her fall over face first is actually comical.

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Au-Teen has been chomping at the bit to get a job. To a teenager, money = freedom. However, we’re not going to allow him to get a job while his grades languish in sub-mediocrity. Indignation is the ineffective weapon he has chosen to fight this. He’s getting totally creamed in this battle and he doesn’t like it.

His long-held belief that any idiot can get a job bagging groceries is being challenged by two people who supposedly know nothing about life as a teenager. If any idiot can get that job, why should he have to earn better grades in school?

As responsible parents, we cannot allow it. No reasonable adult, with or without children, will refute our stance. Why are we at an impasse? We’re not dealing with a reasonable adult here.

Renee and I backed off just a little to gain some ground. In lieu of tutoring or getting extra help at school, he angrily answered the challenge of improving his grades through independent study.

We usually see reruns of Au-Teen’s histrionics. Today, we saw a new episode. He stormed up to his room and proclaimed, “Alright! You win! I’m a nerd now!”

It’s always exhausting when dealing with teenage melodrama. This time, I couldn’t help but laugh.

During and shortly after my parents got divorced, my mother told me just that she raised a 4th child (I have 2 sisters). I thought my father was the only father like that. I saw my friends’ dads as much more involved in their lives. As my own knowledge base increased, I learned that my father’s disposition isn’t so unique at all.

Most of you reading this are part of a new generation of fathers. I say most because I’ve found out that women read my blog. Mothers and fathers are equal partners in the parenting experience. Is this a backlash against generations of aloof and detached fathers? Are we fighting back against the negative portrayals of the father figure in the media today? Whatever it is, I’m just enjoying my role as the father of a new baby girl.

When we broke the news to Austin about the pregnancy, he seemed nonplussed. He furtively shared some glee with a close friend, but there wasn’t much mention beyond that. He doesn’t talk about the baby much at all.

Immediately after Ariana was born, Austin adamantly declared that he would not do diapers. He keeps his distance from the baby and has made no direct effort in the care and feeding of the baby. His contribution to household chores is minimal to nothi on par with most teenage boys.

I found myself growing frustrated and bitter. Two members of this household are shouldering additional responsibilities and one member’s neglect has reached new lows. I started to feel empathy for the women married to loafing husbands, past and present.

My brain connected the dots. A congruence was emerging before me. Austin’s detachment and aloofness paralleled the stereotype of the father from generations past.

I started connecting more dots. I thought about my interactions with other adult males. Many have characteristics that aren’t remarkably different from adolescent males.

• Poor listening skills and poor communication skills in general
• Doesn’t read instruction manuals
• Can’t stand to be told how to do something
• Likes playing with consumer electronics
• Constant need to one-up other males
• Smells like the inside of a hockey skate

The years of critical thinking skills drilled into me via prep school will never go away. Yet another hypothesis emerged. Many men halt their personal and emotional development during adolescence.

These men enter adult life, get married, and may or may not have children. The wife grows weary of having to be a parent to the man-child instead of a partner. Divorce rates soar.

It’s beyond common sense. I have become driven to become the best father I can be. I loved this child from the moment the little blue plus sign appeared on the home pregnancy test. The first ultrasound image, the trickle and ultimate deluge of gifts, my wife’s ever expanding belly, and finally the fateful day brought it all together. My heart broke for all the fathers who would never know the joy of being totally immersed in their child’s life.

Generations of distant and aloof fathers don’t have to guide your actions here. You really can do it all except breastfeed.

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