Would this blog be complete without any discussion about my own father. We didn’t have the best relationship growing up. I point to the language barrier as the reason we never got really close. As someone who values the power of effective communication, that stands out. Even if I could speak Korean fluently, it may not have been any different.
During and shortly after my parents got divorced, my mother told me just that she raised a 4th child (I have 2 sisters). I thought my father was the only father like that. I saw my friends’ dads as much more involved in their lives. As my own knowledge base increased, I learned that my father’s disposition isn’t so unique at all.
Most of you reading this are part of a new generation of fathers. I say most because I’ve found out that women read my blog. Mothers and fathers are equal partners in the parenting experience. Is this a backlash against generations of aloof and detached fathers? Are we fighting back against the negative portrayals of the father figure in the media today? Whatever it is, I’m just enjoying my role as the father of a new baby girl.
When we broke the news to Austin about the pregnancy, he seemed nonplussed. He furtively shared some glee with a close friend, but there wasn’t much mention beyond that. He doesn’t talk about the baby much at all.
Immediately after Ariana was born, Austin adamantly declared that he would not do diapers. He keeps his distance from the baby and has made no direct effort in the care and feeding of the baby. His contribution to household chores is minimal to nothi on par with most teenage boys.
I found myself growing frustrated and bitter. Two members of this household are shouldering additional responsibilities and one member’s neglect has reached new lows. I started to feel empathy for the women married to loafing husbands, past and present.
My brain connected the dots. A congruence was emerging before me. Austin’s detachment and aloofness paralleled the stereotype of the father from generations past.
I started connecting more dots. I thought about my interactions with other adult males. Many have characteristics that aren’t remarkably different from adolescent males.
- Poor listening skills and poor communication skills in general
- Doesn’t read instruction manuals
- Can’t stand to be told how to do something
- Likes playing with consumer electronics
- Constant need to one-up other males
- Smells like the inside of a hockey skate
The years of critical thinking skills drilled into me via prep school will never go away. Yet another hypothesis emerged. Many men halt their personal and emotional development during adolescence.
These men enter adult life, get married, and may or may not have children. The wife grows weary of having to be a parent to the man-child instead of a partner. Divorce rates soar.
It’s beyond common sense. I have become driven to become the best father I can be. I loved this child from the moment the little blue plus sign appeared on the home pregnancy test. The first ultrasound image, the trickle and ultimate deluge of gifts, my wife’s ever expanding belly, and finally the fateful day brought it all together. My heart broke for all the fathers who would never know the joy of being totally immersed in their child’s life.
Generations of distant and aloof fathers don’t have to guide your actions here. You really can do it all except breastfeed.
If you found this article informative, please make a donation.
instead of driving to the mall.
I just started exploring the archives at 